Constantly Remembering to Self-Forget
Recently, I went deep into a hole. I was trying to figure something out. My partner and I had a fight. I thought I needed to understand what happened and why it happened. If I understood, then the universe would make sense and I could feel safe again. I followed thread after thread in my head. “Yeah but he did this, ah but then I did that.” Okay, so I am to blame. Great, well I know the cure for things that are my own fault—self-shaming and excessive apologizing. I have an action to take! The scared little kid inside of me dances at this solution.
The high of control is short lived, though; soon, the thought process begins again. “Yeah I did that, but he did this first.” Ah, then he is to blame! Great—I know the cure for that. Anger, withdrawal, separation. The little kid is dancing again. This too is short-lived. Soon, I have spent hours trying to follow threads that are actually part of an interconnected web of actions that spiral infinitely into the past and, if I pay attention to them, will define my present and future. Finally, I hit a wall. I can't stand it anymore; the threads are unable to be undone (perhaps they are only one thread). My inner child cries, “It doesn't make sense!”
On my knees with this great fear, a light peaks through the dark fog in my brain. In a quiet, calm voice it tells me,
“You are powerless over the way you behave. Your partner is powerless over the way he behaves. All this blame, all this trying to figure things out, is a way to avoid looking at the truth of nature and reality: that you are not in control of any of it. Things just happen, and then they keep happening until they don't. In nature there is no blame. There is nothing to hold onto, so you might as well let go.”
Suddenly, the light floods my brain and I realize there is nothing for me to do. No actions to take, nothing to worry about, no urgency. I just need to sit back and realize every single moment—no matter how difficult or how joyful—is part of this cosmic game. Everything is a teacher and I will know the right thing to do when the right time comes.