Your Words Don’t Matter
You can say the same thing to the same person on two different days and get two totally different reactions. Why is that?
Because ultimately, your words don't matter. We actually don't listen with our heads, we listen with our hearts. We hold inside these hearts pretty accurate antennas that detect energy another person is carrying, and if your words aren't matching that energy we know right away. We might not be able to articulate how we know, but our body feels it.
I'm a student of Non-Violent Communication, and I'd go out into the world and follow the formula 'perfectly' - and I'd get mixed results. I was confused.
Finally, it clicked for me. I was skipping the most important part - the energetic alignment.
The first thing they teach you in NVC is called 'self-empathy'. Self-empathy is the pause you take to get your internal energetic field in order. It's done in silence and is a check-in that moves you from your thoughts, down through your feelings, and ultimately to your needs and any requests you might need to make to yourself or others (and more often than not it’s to yourself). By the end of it, your body should have moved from a state of triggered agitation to a place of open calm.
When I learned this process I was like, 'Uh-huh, let's get to the talking part.' - but without this energetic alignment, my communication was falling flat. I could say the right words but people would pick up on the resentment or fear behind them. When I took the space to breathe and really tap into what I'm feeling and needing, the words I say are more aligned and bridges are built.
This requires a counterintuitive pause. In a moment of agitation, you stop, go inward, and discover what's happening in your universe. It brings you into presence with yourself which is needed to be present with another.
When you take this pause (and sometimes it takes days), you move into a more expansive energetic state. You can feel it in your body, there is a sensation of more space. Then the other person's energetic antenna attunes to your field and begins to relax as well, in this state the words you say matter less. However, when you do speak it naturally comes from a place of openness that seeks connection rather than conflict.
Disclaimer: Being a human is hard. You will make mistakes doing this, and it is okay. The fact you care to try is the beauty. Love yourself through it all.